Jane Austen's How-To's

Once, while I was "interviewing" for the post of Blog Author here, I was asked to write a trial post. This morning, I was going through the drafts, and I found it. I've haven't made too any modifications; I just thought I might send my interview out into the world.

And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that I realized that I owed you all a post and had no idea what to write... So by all means, please enjoy a list of how-to's à la Austen.

Yours, etc.

Miss E.

Jane Austen's novels, if read properly and with a discerning eye, can be used as a how-to guide...even in modern times.* Think about it--she teaches you everything from the importance of a properly boiled egg, to the many ways you can catch a man. If that isn't a full service library, I don't know what is.

We'll start with the more trivial subjects, and work our way up to the big ones, shall we?

What to eat, and how to eat it

~An egg--a very small egg, mind you--boiled very soft is an excellent thing. Not at all unwholesome--it won't hurt you, at least. Especially if it's been boiled by Serle (we have yet to determine the importance of Serle in this equation).

Note: if you want to know how to eat a soft-boiled egg, don't go with WikiHow. Their method involves a blowtorch.

How to write a letter

~There is but one rule: that it ends with "yours, etc."

 Lace (ft. Mr Bennet)

~Just. Don't.

"No lace. No lace, Mrs. Bennet, I beg you!"

How to make an entrance

~With your petticoat six inches deep in mud, of course. Is there even another way?

What sort of  man to look for

~Well, it helps if he's rich. Or a decorated hero--or both. Age isn't a factor, even if he's at the ancient age of "five and thirty".

And good taste in muslin is always appreciated.

What sort of man not to look for

~No creepy, sycophantic clergymen--no matter how many shelves their closets may have.

~No two-timing cheats who abandon girls. Or seduce the hero's young sister. Or are ten thousand pounds in debt.

What sort of a girl to marry

~If she stands up to your lecturing and bears it as no other woman in England would, she's the one for you.

This how-to is brought to you by Emma and Mr. Knightley

How to catch a man

~There are several ways of going about this, all with varying degrees of efficacy. The first, recommended by Mrs. Bennet, is to ride a horse to his house in the rain.** You will fall ill, and after a period of time involving his best friend separating the two of you, he'll propose to you. Or you could simply run off to Scotland together (well, say you're running off to Scotland together) and be forced into marriage by your uncle and husband's former best friend (who's paying off all of your husband's debts so that he can get back into your sister's good graces, but that's entirely beside the point).

~Wait for him to propose to you after your best friend turns him down. It's been known to happen, you know.

~Or you could just have fine eyes and a pretty face. That works, too.

Never underestimate the power of a set of fine eyes...

How to get the girl

~Don't insult her family. Or her. You won't make any favorable impressions that way.

~It helps to be a young man in possession of a good fortune. You can amass this fortune either on your own (by disappearing for a decade and coming back as a decorated hero) or inherit it along with a large estate with beautiful grounds (the grounds may be what help the young lady realize that she does indeed love you...so try to have some of those).

~Read her poetry. Inquire after her health if she becomes deathly ill.

~Write her a letter.*** This has been known to work to a great degree of success. Telling her she pierces your soul is a nice touch. Basically, if the letter will make women swoon two hundred years in the future, it's good.

Smoldering glances. Always the smoldering glances.****

And there we have it--Jane Austen's advice for us mortals, summed up from her novels. Do you, dear reader, have any Austenian advice for us? Do let us know...

Yours, etc.

Miss Elizabeth

*Some modifications will need to be made for the 21st century
**This feat may be replicated in the 21st century with an open convertible. Please do not send us your dry cleaning bill.
***This, however is an area you may not make modifications in. Has anyone ever swooned from an email? I think not.
***We do not guarantee results in this area, however, if you are not Mr. Darcy or Colin Firth.